It’s six days before Christmas. I still haven’t put up the tree, decorated the house, turned the outside lights on, or even wrapped a single present. Part of me understands. I have been busy. I have been tired. I’ve been battling my depression. Then there is a part of me that says “if you would get up and do it you would feel better and be more in the mood”. Do you have that voice in your head? The one who doesn’t BS you but is blunt and knows all that others don’t.
That voice is a constant in my head. I know that I shouldn’t allow it to play such a negative tune but something practiced and perfected is a hard thing to change. I’m trying to not allow it to be so loud. It’s a daily battle. The main problem I have is getting it to just shut up. Even when I go to bed it won’t stop. If its not telling what I did wrong or how I did it wrong its reminding me of the long list of things to do. So the next 6 good nights will be hard to get. I will toss and turn, adjust the pillows, the comforter, and the fan. I will try and read, play a game on my phone, check Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, listen to music or even watch tv. All just to get my mind to stop thinking. All to get the mice on the wheel to stop running.
So six more days. Can I get it together to get it all done? Anyone want to take bets? Just kidding. I will stress myself till it gets done. That is what I do. No matter how I feel about anything I get it done. I push through. I push through all my feelings and push them aside. Is that truly the healthy thing to do though? No, it really isn’t. But that is what I do. Until I can learn to do something else. I am actually trying to learn how to be different. I know I will always feel everything and that is something I will have to live with. Its just how to live with it.
The day after Christmas I will be starting my new job. I have felt almost every possible emotion. Of course I get really excited when talking about my new position to my friends, family, and co-workers. I have noticed though at different times I wouldn’t be happy or excited. Yet I wasn’t nervous or scared. I would be unfeeling or annoyed.
I’m not exactly sure why. The only thing I can come up with is the fact I can’t just up and walk away from my current job. There is no clean cut or transition. I feel responsible for and to my clients. With every passing day I begun to start saying more and more “I won’t miss this”. Usually when a problem has been dropped in my lap.
I will miss the people and the fun conversations. I won’t miss my energy being sucked from my mind, body, and soul everyday. It definitely is time for me to move on. Normally I would struggle with change and moving away from comfort. I’m not uncomfortable. I’m ready. Hey this means I must finally have matured and grown just a little. I listened to what my body was telling me and I acted. Wow, that’s a nice feeling.
Have a great evening! I wish great change for you!
Everyday brings change. Some good, some not so good, and some we barely even register.
This year I have noticed greatly a change in me since daylight savings time. It used to effect me but I would never have said it majorly impacted me. This year I’m thinking things are different. It wasn’t until I was at dinner with my cousin/niece (she is really my cousin but calls me aunt because my nieces are her age and that’s what they call me) that I realized with my job change I wasn’t getting the sunlight like before. I used to drive a school bus on a daily basis. In the morning I got the sunrise and in the afternoon I got the sun setting. Now I am in the office and come in well after sunrise and leave after sunset without really getting any true length of sunlight.
As we talked about this she asked me not to get into the new fad of winter sun bathing. I fervently assuaged her fears. So how to now get more sunlight and vitamin D. I already take 5000 units a day. Guess there will have to be a temporary increase.
Then we shall see what the verdict is. Well it is off to bed once more to try and get 8 hrs of sleep. I’m in my last week of work with my current job. It’s a good change. Just lots to do.
I just wanted to say hello before I head to bed. I started this blog because I have dealt with depression and anxiety most of my life. I still haven’t figured it all out. I’m making progress and I know it helps me when I find someone who is similar to me.
I hope you find soemthing I say helpful or at least it gives you some peace.
Hey Candyce here. I’m the youngest of three. I am a cancer through and through. I feel everything and anything. I come from a broken home. I try and take care of everyone and everything. I am diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
It is utterly exhausting.
I like to write, dream, read, crochet, listen to music, eat great food, cook/bake, and watch movies. There are times I like being around other people and there are times I just want to be alone.