Lists

I have been in a mood lately and I am trying to figure out why. Oddly I think I have worked it down to lists. Yup, I am blaming lists for the reason I have been in a funk and had an attitude. Well to be honest its not the only reason but for now this I will pick apart.

I work shift work. I switch between 7:00 Am to 3:00 PM and 3:00 PM to 11:00 PM. I work for six days straight then I have three days off. I just came off of my three day break. I am currently on the 3:00 Pm to 11:00 Pm shift. On my days off I had lists, long lists of things I wanted to try and accomplish each day. The lists in and of themselves didn’t seem to be that daunting. I tried to be realistic when I wrote them and what I truly could accomplish in a day. As each day passed I realized there were things that needed to be moved onto the next day or even things that wouldn’t truly be handled until next week.

Some things didn’t get completed due to not getting up when planned or simply not doing what needed to be done. There was the lists though. Sitting on my phone taunting me. Now here is the interesting question. I love making sure my calendar is up to date and organized. It doesn’t feel the same though as the list. Is it possible to feel like an inanimate object is like a mean old teacher leaning over you as you do your lessons. As I write this that is how I feel about my lists. Even when I think of just writing down the things I would like to do or need to do. Sadly I sit here and think how crazy I must sound being bullied by a list I created.

Your Royal Purple Queen!

My Fur Baby….Cash

The bowl of ice cream I ate was very large! I was eating my feelings. I told my trainer. He said he was proud I was honest about what I ate as well as why. I had come home from work and my dog aka my baby wasn’t able to walk or stand very well. I didn’t leave the house that morning with him like that. So a quick phone call was made to the vet and we were on our way. I was in tears the whole way there. We had lost our female rottie in 2007 to cancer. All I could think was this was the same thing. Was I going to be coming home with my baby or not? When we go there he didn’t want to go back to the examination room. Almost like he knew something was very wrong. He never growled or bared his teeth as he was examined. They gave him pain meds and took him back for his xrays. Well we have good news. There are no obvious tumors or damage to his spine. His hips looked great. He does have arthritis in the one knee, but that wouldn’t have caused this issue. We of course can’t see if something is wrong with his spinal cord. We did bloodwork to make sure he was ok for possibly long term anti-inflammatory meds. So they sent us home with a pain reliever, anti-inflammatory, and muscle relaxers. So its a fun time in my house, he is not a good medicine taker. Lots of bribing going on. He is back to his crazy self. So he is feeling better. My only nagging concern is could it have been lymes disease. So that will be getting looked into later. Ever your Royal Purple Queen!

I should be jumping for joy….

I should be jumping for joy. There are so many things going great in my life. For example my great-neice who was due to be born on the 16th of this month was a month and 16 days old. She’s doing amazingly well! She’s growing and thriving and so loved. My second oldest niece has finally gotten her son back. As of right now her ex is behaving and they will be going back to their 50/50 child custody arrangement. She hasn’t had him since before Halloween. I have a great new job that doesn’t cause me great anxiety and stress. I had a financial issue and I dealt with it. These are just anger things that are going great in my life yet I’m not jumping for joy. I am thanking God because I will always do that as I know all great things come through him. But I sit here and have no energy to get up and do anything. The past three days I have slept in very late despite having things that needed to be done. I could it here and say oh but Candy you are getting over a cold. Candy you are adjusting to your new work schedule. Candy you are on your period. I could probably find more reasons but I don’t need to becuase I think I have made my point. I just don’t get it. Why. Why am I like this? Why does depression get a hold of me like this? It’s the only thing I can think of. Oh to be able to be what is considered normal. Good night everyone. Remember to identify what you are feeling and give it its moment then let it go. We can’t move forward if we don’t do this. Identify it, examine it, let it go and make room for positive thinking and growth. Good night my friends! Stay positive! Your Royal Purple Queen!

Its been a while

Please forgive me as this may ramble. I’ve started my new job and am enjoying it. It’s truly putting me to the test mentally. I keep being told I am doing an good job. There are times I feel that. Most of the time I feel like I will never get it. I’m starting to stress about my schedule because I need to know what it will be so I can plan for the horse shows. They start in March. I don’t want to let my boss down or any of the people I work with. They understand I have a new job and my schedule will conflict with the shows at times. I just hate being the person who knocks over the tea cup. I am so tired. I know its from learning everything that I am and adjusting to my new schedule. Some how I manage to do that. What I believe though to be the truth is that I disappointment myself more than I do others. I let my procrastination get in the way of getting things done and accomplished. I come up with excuses as to why I shouldn’t do something or why I can put it off. I cause my own unhappiness, my own stress, my own anxiety. I am my own worst enemy. The question is why. Why do I allow myself to do this to myself? Why do I allow the negative talk? Why do I abuse myself? I should love myself. I should believe in myself. I should praise myself. I should talk with a positive tone to myself. I should love myself more than anything. I should, I should, I should…..I think I can….I know I can…I will! Much love to all! Remember love yourself! The Royal Purple Queen!!

Happy New Year!

Twenty-six minutes till the new year. I’ve just finished my second full day in my new job. I am liking it. I’m stumbling a little but I am making progress. My trainer is very patient and friendly. I’m off for three days and then we go back to the day shift. Still lots to learn. I am grateful for this experience. I am back in Annapolis. I’ve always wanted to be back there. It’s where I plan to stay.

I don’t want to make the same type of goals like all the others. My main goal is to be healthy. Healthy mentally, physically, and spiritually. Now there are many objectives that will have to be met to meet that goal. This is where the struggle comes into play. My anxiety speaks here. When I look at large problems with many issues I don’t know where to start. I struggle with knowing it may take me a while to finish the clean up/organizing of the situation. I struggle with being distracted. For example. Take a room with clothes, decorations, furniture, and various other things in it. Nothing is organized. Everything is just laying everywhere in piles. I will have a great desire to clean the room. I will even be able to envision what it will look like when done. Starting the process for me is very overwhelming. I don’t know where to start. When I do start I end up going from one thing to another without finishing what I started. I know I should ask for help. Sadly, I have in non-direct ways. I have even paid people for help. It doesn’t always turn out very well. So that is what I am trying to change in 2020. How I look at things and how I process it all.

Well it’s now twelve minutes to midnight. Happy New Years! May you realize how wonderful you are in your own unique way!!

Wishing you all the best! Your Royal Purple Queen, Candyce

In Between Christmas And New Years

Why is it between these two holidays you feel very lost. The days and hours blend together. Let’s add to that I have started my new job. Worked for two days, off for two days, work for two evenings, off for three days. I’m going to be off a little for a few days. Wish me luck.

Tomorrow I have the nieces and nephews over for some auntie time. We do arts and crafts, eat some pizza, drink some hot chocolate, read a book, and watch a movie. It’s my time to have a little fun with them. I just wish I could get them all together. That would require way to much brain power and dealing with their parents and their schedules. Why can’t people just be civil?

I have increased my vitamin D due to lack of energy. Its only been a week but I am still struggling with energy. I want to get a handle on this since I will have a rotating schedule that will most definitely have an effect on my sleep, exercise and eating habits.

We traded in our 12 year old truck today. My husband did most of the dealings but I still had a full on anxiety attack in the middle of the dealership. I don’t melt down but I can only imagine what my face looks like while I’m going through it. I’m still having effects from it but that will eventually go away. Not sure yet what we will do with my car. We can always sell it or refinance it. Just need to think about it.

I see so many posts of I’m just doing me. I’m not dealing with the drama this year. Guess what, no matter what you do or how you live your life there will be drama. It will happen. It’s all in how you handle yourself. It’s all in how you react. You can’t escape drama but you can escape the stress of it by changing your mind set. Choose to have an open mind and actively listen. Choose to make sure your message has been received how you intended it to be received. Choose love and kindness over hate and meanness. Choose to be educated by truth in stead of ignorance.

Candyce, Your Royal Purple Queen

Christmas Day

Silent Night, Holy Night!

I got the tree up!

I hope all is merry and bright with you and yours on this Christmas day! I woke up alone and cleaned my house while I waited for my husband to come home from the firehouse. Most of the time I was ok. I had my moments of feeling lonely but not for long. I have come to realize Christmas will never again be the splendor of my childhood. I also realize if I don’t speak up for myself and fight for myself I won’t have what I want. Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah! Candyce The Royal Purple Queen

Last Day

Today is my last day at the job. I will be starting a new career in two days. I’m not sad. I know I will still see my friends. I can’t say I am nervous about the new job. I find it funny though. I am sitting here with one other co-worker. Everyone else has rolled out. Some didn’t even say goodbye. Oh well. That’s life.

Goodbyes are never simple. Easy, yea sometimes. But easy doesn’t mean simple. They are sad, happy, permanent, and even temporary. They are part of change therefore they are a part of life. Sometimes they are the hardest part of life to deal with. If your lucky a goodbye will bring a hello, a new beginning.

Good Night, Candyce Your Royal Purple Queen

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today would have been my dad’s 72nd birthday. He passed away when I was 17 years old and in my senior year of high school. I thought my life was over. Sadly, there have been several other moments like that in my life since then. But lets concentrate on dad. He was my everything. He was an amazing man. He could pretty much do anything with a car or truck. He had an amazing singing voice. His handwriting was so pretty I couldn’t forge it when I was in school. He was kind and caring. He was a volunteer with the fire department. While he had these great attributes he unfortunately had depression, was a smoker and was overweight. He didn’t listen to his doctors after his first heart attack. Sadly I had to be told on the phone by my mom that my dad was gone. I went through so many emotions for a long time after his death. I didn’t know what to do with them all. Now I just simply miss him. It has been 27 years since I said goodbye. I know I will see him again one day.

Riding

Also on dad’s birthday I am riding for the first time in almost a year. I stopped riding in March after finding out I had a torn meniscus in my right knee. I went through physical therapy then I had surgery in September followed up by more physical therapy. I finally got to a point where I felt I could handle riding. Lets just say my nerves where more on remembering how to do the reports system and working the radio. Two calls in and I am surviving. Have a good evening!

Candyce The Royal Purple Queen

My Head Is Hurting

It may or may not be emotional stress that is causing my head to pound. It may simply be my sinuses gearing up to create chaos as the holiday season glides to its pinnacle moment. Either way I sit here unable to concentrate on anyone thing for more than 60 seconds. Of course that voice I talked about yesterday is steadily yammering away about what needs to be done. Would Ibuprofen work or should I take a sinus medication in case that is what this truly is. Hey here’s a thought take a moment and meditate. Think positively for a minute.

I was sent an angel today. Today a debt was wiped clean. Needless to say it was unexpected. It was so appreciated and my love for this person poured out of me. I couldn’t control the feelings. I couldn’t stop them from running down my face. All I could say was thank you and I love you. I have had a hard time walking my path in life since I lost my mom in 2006 (13 years ago) but today I realized I was given an adoptive mom who is also a best friend. An adoptive family that means the world to me. They don’t replace my family in any way but God saw I was in need. He saw I was an orphan who was lost and needed guidance. He saw I needed the compassion and encouragement. As I type this he as given that to me in some other ways.

Tomorrow I have the opportunity to be on a podcast for Brave Fitness. I will post the links for it when I have them. I get to talk about my weight loss journey. One of the things I will be able to say that has helped me was finding a trainer that could show me compassion while teaching what I needed to be healthy. He doesn’t judge me. He accepts me for me and all my BS. I truly am blessed in many ways.

The voices have quieted. The pain has subsided for the most part. Hmm guess talking it out does work. Five more wake ups and its Christmas. Crap here come the voices.