Spoiled Ass Brat!

That’s my dog for ya. He’s utterly spoiled. Each of us has taken a part in the reason why he is this way. I take my ownership in this. One of the things that I have done is let him sleep in our bed. The second part of that is over time I have helped hi. By lifting his big behind up onto the bed after he gets his front paws on the bed. Well a few weeks ago he was ill and really having a hard time with his arthritis. So one night I had to pick his whole body up and put him on the bed at least 2 or 3 times.

Since then he thinks that is what I am supposed to do. I haven’t and have made him jump up by himself, which he is capable of doing. Tonight he wanted to revert back to me picking him up. I was willing to assist but not going to do the whole thing. So I was whispering to him to get up like I always do. At some point I must have woken my husband up. I didn’t realize this. Well Cash wouldn’t out his paws up on the bed, so I got into bed. He started walking around the bed, his claws clacking on the wood floor. My husband pushes up from his position and snarls at me “you woke me up and he’s still walking g around the bed!” I said “he wouldn’t get up.” So he repeats himself. I say “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to wake you up.” I get out of bed and lift my dog up onto the bed, rather forcefully, then get back into bed.

Now I am good and pissed. So I am writing about it. Yes, I understand he gets up early. Yes, I understand it sucks to be woken up.

FYI, my dog is a 6 year old rottweiler who weighs 100 lbs. Love him to death and generally I like him more than I like most people. That includes the sleeping person.

Goodnight all. Tomorrow is a new day. Your slightly less irritated Royal Purple Queen.

Are you hanging in there?

That is truly the question for the ages. Am I hanging in there. If you mean by my fingertips of the ledge of the worlds tallest building. I would have to say yes, but for how long I am not sure. I am always good at putting on a front and pretending all is well in my world. That is how I made this far. Sadly, there are cracks developing in the facade. The real me is starting to show. People will soon be able to see my fear, my confusion, my inability to stop eating, my inability to pull myself up out of bed. They will soon see I lack strength. This pandemic is really making it all worse. I am overwhelmed by the constant barrage from the news media and what is all over Facebook and Instagram. I feel like I can’t get away from it. I have enough problems as it is, I don’t need anymore. This Queen’s crown is quickly slipping and will soon fall to the ground.

I know if I want a clean house I will have to clean it. I know if I want an organized life I have to organize it. I know it won’t all be done at one time, that it will take baby steps. I know it will all start with one step forward and then another followed by another. I know at first I will be full of anxiety about where and what to start with. I know that anxiety will be reduced as I keep moving forward and making progress on my goals.

Will I make it through, yes. I am confident of that for one simple reason. My faith. My faith in God and that he is by my side at all times. That he is caring me at my weakest moments and loves me unconditionally. That is the one thing I hang onto even in my darkest hours.

Be safe out there, wash your hands, keep a safe distance when around others, and wear a mask when out and about away from your house. Have a great day!

Your Royal Purple Queen!

The World In Which We Live

I hope all is doing well during this health crisis that seems to have affected everyone in some form or fashion. I am an essential employee and have had to come into work. I am not able to work from home. While I am a volunteer firefighter I have not even gone up to the firehouse. Just work and the store if needed.

I can understand the desire to leave the house. I just don’t get people feeling the need to go to a store just to walk around. Walk around your neighborhood. Just go sit outside. There are ways to not feel cooped up without putting yourself and others at risk. I have to many people I love that are immunosupressed that I am very worried about. They range in age from 4 months old to 75 years old.

Sadly, I am also now fighting a UTI and a potential sinus infection. Washing my hands, covering my mouth and nose, using hand sanitzer. I’m doing it all. One thing I am most definitely doing is thanking God and talking with him. He is the reason I wake every morning. He is the reason that I have continued to find my way.

I still struggle. I still fee sad, feel like I have no energy. I still have days where I doubt everything. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep trying. My moods swing more easily now, I have noticed. I feel like an ocean as the storm is starting to roll in. As you can already tell it is also effecting my thought process.

Only 5 hours and 45 minutes left to go till I can go home. I feel very tired. Of course that is because I am back on my 7 am to 3 pm shift. Stay well my friends. Take care of yourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. We will get through this!!

Your Royal Purple Queen

Disappointment

This week has been a meh kind of week. I haven’t managed to get anything done at home. I have literally slept most days until noon. I would wake up around 7 or 8 and be awake for a few minutes but eventually went back to bed. I worked the evening shift all week so when I would get up it was just me and the dog. I would get home and all were asleep so it was me and the dog. No one called me except once.

That is the first disappointment. My only phone call was from my husband to find out if I had talked with anyone from the state or the attorney’s office. He wasn’t happy with my reply. Of course he wasn’t happy with me at all at that point. There have been some financial issues that I will admit were my fault. I am not that great at communicating especially when it is something close to me or something that makes me feel insecure. Finances make me feel extremely insecure. So we didn’t talk at all till last night. I had had it. I made sure I woke him up when I got home. Not sure if that really solved anything but at least it broke the silence.

At work all week I have been making mistakes that create issues. I am at a point in my training that I have been basically taught all that I need to know. Now I am working on getting quicker and smoothing out the edges so to speak. This week there have been a few blunders that just gave me headaches. Things I knew but made the mistake without thinking. I know you need to be able to take criticism but sometimes the tone of disappointment in your trainer/co-workers voice is enough to undue you for the night. Luckily tonight is our Friday. I have picked up overtime this weekend and even next week.

So needless to say really is that I have disappointed myself as well as others and at no time did it feel good. I just had to hold my head up high, admit to my wrong doing, figure out how to handle it in the future, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Emotionally, mentally and physically I have been in pain. Here’s to a new day.

On another note, please don’t panic over the COVID-19. Yes, it is serious. Know the symptoms, wash your hands, stay home if sick with anything, and use a kleenex if coughing or sneezing. Try not to touch your face and I would suggest not shaking hands. Fist bumps are good. If you are not sure about something contact a medical expert with an actual medical degree. Stay safe folks!

Your Royal Purple Queen

Prayer

God, I come to you with a broken spirit and aching heart. I know only you can heal me. Only you can give me hope, grant me peace, and love me unconditionally. I thank you for forgiving me when I won’t even forgive myself. Thank you for loving me even when I don’t love myself. You know my faults, my journey, my trips, my falls. Yet you still love me. Thank you. Thank you for carrying me when I can’t walk at all. Right now I think I am at a point where I can’t walk and I know you are carrying me through this. Help me to hold my head high and get done what needs to be done. Help me to have courage in the onslaught of conflict. Help me to have energy to put one foot in front of the other. Help me to accept me for me. Help me to see what you see. Lord you are the almighty, the Omega, the one true God. I praise your name! I pray this prayer in your son Jesus Christ name. Amen.

Changes

You make changes that are supposed to help you in the end. It feels however as you proceed through the change that you must go through a rough patch first. Why is that. Things are supposed to be easier because you made a change to get rid of negativity, to improve your situation, to enhance what you know. Well that isn’t how this feels. Yes I have gotten rid of the negativity of my last job. I enjoy working with the people that I do and I enjoy what I am doing. I took a massive pay cut to change jobs so that I could have a retirement as well as great benefits and room to either grow or move up. Right now I am really feeling the pain of the pay cut. I am having to budget where as before I could get away without it. Now I won’t survive if I don’t. I guess I have to learn to live within my constraints and be happy with it. This queen is not happy! I like to purchase things for people. I will not be able to do that. That makes for a very unhappy queen.

Once upon a time in a land far far away lived a beautiful queen with hair that was as golden yellow as the sun. She was an odd queen. Her hair had a section of her hair that was as black as night another was as red as fire. No one knew why that was not even the queen. Yet she was considered to be one of the most beautiful in all the world. She loved being a queen. She got to have her way in all things. She was fair though, she would listen to all who had an opinion. Sometimes they could sway her mind and sometimes they couldn’t. She had the money to buy what ever she wanted and sometimes she did, but what she loved the most was making things. She would make things in her castle but she most enjoyed going out to the village and working side by side with the people of her realm. She would sit with the ladies and sew, knit, or crochet beautiful blankets and clothing. She would visit the bakery and make delicious pies, and bake cookies, cakes, and all kinds of breads. She would even go to the smithy and work along the blacksmiths or to the farms to plow and plant with her farmers. On days she needed to feel free and rid herself of the burdens of being a ruler she would climb astride her 17 hand freesian named Cathal (Kaw-hal). He had a shiny black coat of hair with a mane of hair that was the envy of all women. When he galloped his mane and tail would flow in the wind and was absolutely breathtaking. The queen never felt safer then when she was riding through the fields alongside the forest or the river. She knew Cathal would not fail her. He truly was the definition of a steady steed. They would try all sorts of tricks such as jumping fences, bushes, and rocks as break neck speeds. This allowed her for a moment to forget any worries or bothersome things.

Your Royal Purple Queen!!!

Ramblings

I really have nothing to write about. I just want to write. I am at work and have some down time. One of our main systems went down and has created an interesting time for the last two hours. Its always interesting here. I have a great crew so not so bad on that note.

So in my last writing I spoke about my new medication. So I finally got the medication and started it today. So far I haven’t really noticed anything out of the norm with side effects. I did find out that my cholesterol is up higher and am now on a three month trial of medication for that. Yipee.

I know some of my problem is with finances. I am not a good saver. I don’t know how to balance my checkbook let alone make a budget and stick to it. I have tried to read the books by Dave Ramsey and some of it does make sense. I guess maybe I need to re-read the books I have. I can’t help I like to buy shoes and things for others. There are many stores that I can’t go into cause I can spend some money in there. Michaels, Home Store, Bed Bath and Beyond, Barnes and Noble, and pretty much any shoe store.

15 more minutes and I can go home. Its amazing how long a small amount of time can go when you want it to end and how quickly it can go when you want to stay.

Sleep well, have good dreams, and try again tomorrow.

Your Royal Purple Queen!

New Medication

I am truly not a medication type of person. However, there comes a time when even I realize I need a little extra help. I have been feeling like there is something sitting there. Something that has a hold of me. For example if I were in the water trying to get out something has a hold of my leg and won’t let me go. So I talked with my doc today and she said it wouldn’t hurt to add something. She said lets do a trial. We will see how you feel. If it doesn’t work or the side effects are too much then we will stop.

I am hoping with this little push I can get a little more energy to get things accomplished and become a little more active. Lately I have wanted to stay in bed far to long, and sit instead of move. Today I took a walk, a small one with my dog but I got out and enjoyed the nice weather. I tried to enjoy my prepped weekly meals. Sorry but not sorry they were gross. I have texture issues and it was not a good thing. So I am going to have to figure that out for the rest of the week. Of course now I sit here hungry. Two more hours and I can go home. I did weigh in at 302 today at the doctors. So I am moving in the right direction. Progress I guess.

It’s Friday

So much to do and not enough time. So much to be purchased or paid for and not enough money. So much to learn and not enough brain space to hold it. I have so much I want to do and accomplish. Right now though I want to go sit in my comfy chair with a hot cup of tea, my crochet, one of my favorite movies on and a book by my side for when I want to read. I want to take a stroll on the beach when its windy right before a storm. I want to hear the waves crash up onto the shore. I want to feel the breeze on my face and in my hair. I want to feel the sand on my feet. I want to smell the ocean.

It’s Valentine’s Day

I am sorry but this holiday seriously annoys me. I love flowers and really love roses but for real, you want me to pay double for them. You want me to go to dinner with a massive crowd of people. Sorry but I want to told all through out the year that you love me. I want you to do things for me through out the year. Luckily my husband dislikes this holiday as well. Although one year he was really adorable and gave me a stuffed bear (yes, I still have it), specialty chocolates and a beautiful card. It about made me cry. Tonight we will be at a meeting for our firehouse and will go home afterward. Nothing special but that is ok with me.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and weekend!

Your Royal Purple Queen!!

I hate conflict

broken tiara Princess, the concept of the broken mast, and illustrates the changing priorities of women, feminism

I really hate conflict. I can disagree with people and have conversations with differing opinions, but conflict I hate. My body will react in many different ways all depending on what is going on. It can be as simple as butterflies in my stomach to a full on anxiety attack with me feeling like I am suffocating. Why do I hate conflict so much?

I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings and I don’t like mine to be hurt. I don’t like being put in the middle. Is it because it could result in hurt feelings? Is it because it could result in shouting? Screaming? Getting physical? Could I loose a friend? An associate that is a part of my life?

Why am I so afraid of these things. I can’t control how people feel. I can’t control how people react. I can only control myself. I have to realize not all people even people I love are meant to be on my airplane of life. They will board and depart all throughout my life. People are so wrapped up in their own feelings and their needs they don’t stop and think about how their actions and words make others feel. They don’t want to take responsibility for what they do but they want someone to be held accountable for what was done or said to them.

Stop and think before you speak. Stop and think before you act.

Your Royal Purple Queen!