It’s six days before Christmas. I still haven’t put up the tree, decorated the house, turned the outside lights on, or even wrapped a single present. Part of me understands. I have been busy. I have been tired. I’ve been battling my depression. Then there is a part of me that says “if you would get up and do it you would feel better and be more in the mood”. Do you have that voice in your head? The one who doesn’t BS you but is blunt and knows all that others don’t.
That voice is a constant in my head. I know that I shouldn’t allow it to play such a negative tune but something practiced and perfected is a hard thing to change. I’m trying to not allow it to be so loud. It’s a daily battle. The main problem I have is getting it to just shut up. Even when I go to bed it won’t stop. If its not telling what I did wrong or how I did it wrong its reminding me of the long list of things to do. So the next 6 good nights will be hard to get. I will toss and turn, adjust the pillows, the comforter, and the fan. I will try and read, play a game on my phone, check Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, listen to music or even watch tv. All just to get my mind to stop thinking. All to get the mice on the wheel to stop running.
So six more days. Can I get it together to get it all done? Anyone want to take bets? Just kidding. I will stress myself till it gets done. That is what I do. No matter how I feel about anything I get it done. I push through. I push through all my feelings and push them aside. Is that truly the healthy thing to do though? No, it really isn’t. But that is what I do. Until I can learn to do something else. I am actually trying to learn how to be different. I know I will always feel everything and that is something I will have to live with. Its just how to live with it.
Candyce, The Royal Purple Queen